Rough day today. Self-motivation is really, really low. I actually feel bad about myself!

Rode with Cary and Steven for a minute this morning. We hammered up Washington park and I cut out early. The rain, the rain. It is keeping me cold. Real cold. Ice queen.

I've put myself in a bad mood today. The guilty "I'm not training as much as I need to be" sensation is lingering. This weather is pretty intolerable. I know I need to be putting in these epic rides. And, it feels near impossible to find the time and energy to.

I get in a funk about my shop and my racing once in a while. This being one of the "whiles".

Sometimes it feels like I am just working against myself. Like, I'm not running the shop well, not riding well, not doing the best I can be doing.

Things are going really well to be honest. The shop is busy and I feel great whenever I touch a bicycle.

Oh, I remember.

BLOGS.

I've gotten a bunch of flak in the last month about or, because of my website. Again, I'll not get into specifics but, it is all tied into the fact that my website is so personal and completely public. I mentioned that a long-lost Aunt found me because of the site. Well, I have been realising how very much, EVERYONE can access the website and read what I write. (not that I did not know before...)

It is scary. I have had relatives, friends of friends, people's parents, stalkers etc, getting in contact with me one way or another because of the website. It is exausting. And has kept me away from writing the last couple of weeks.

There is little that I would NOT say in person that I type on the computer.

Hmm... My point is drifting off.

I was being tactful before and it still pissed a lot of people off. Not that I cannot handle controversy or angry people. I don't know how many of you follow Ryan Trebon's blog but, I appreciated a recent post where he says "I dont like doing what people tell me to anyways." If you follow the post, sounds like he has had folks urging him to clean up the blog. That is my gut reaction too, I don't like doing what people tell me too (HINT: reverse psychology works. Tell me to attack and I'll sit in, tell me to sit in and I'll attack.) so, I'll usually find a great reason to do the opposite of what they want me to. Its all that problem with authority thing, right? Well, Ryan could get up on the podium, moon the crowd and they would love it. If I mooned the crown it would not go so well. The point? There is a line between total disclosure and respecting people's privacy. Hell, respecting MY privacy. I like keeping this journal and I like writing, it is a good outlet and a great resource for keeping in touch with friends, and business relations that I don't keep as in touch with as often as I should.

BTW, (if you read his blog) hats off to Ryan, I'm glad he did not conceed.

So, I'm not going to hold back and I don't want the feedback to quiet down either. It is all fuel for the fire! But, I've got to practice a little more tact. My brutal honesty will continue to get me into trouble if I don't.

Don't worry, I'll continue to reveal all the spicy aspects of my life.

Like Keely's rain paints. hehheh.

And my sweet new Vanilla mountain bike. Sick. Full XTR. Full Ritchey. Matt Hall and I went on a ride and he was laughing about how like a year ago I would not even THINK about hopping over logs and stuff that we were just flying over last Sunday. I would stop and walk over logs all the time! Ha!

Oh! Ryan is NOT racing cross worlds! Family stuff sent him back stateside. wow. Really sucks.

This should just be the "I'm on Ryan's jock entry" eh?

Moving on. I'm kinda freaked out about the upcoming race season. I've got very little road ambition. I'd like to start finishing road races for once. And in the lead group ideally. Its the knees. Oh, the knees. Anything over 2 hours just makes them hurt! But, I've been in the gym and doing a gradual buildup to actually putting in 4+ hour rides. I'll see how it goes.

I've been in communication with a road racing team about potentially riding for or with them. Nope, not Saunier Duval. Sorry, I can't wear yellow, it does not go with my eyes. The secret is not out yet but, I expect to have a few teammates to ride with at the bigger road races this year. Which is exciting. I figure, if my knees just can't keep me at "breakaway" pace for 2 solid hours and I have to drop out, at least I can ride FOR someone else and put them where they need to be in a race.

Like I said, very little road racing ambition.

Now mountain biking. That is another story. For another time.

Let's talk about custom framebuilding and bikeshops.

I've got a LOT of framebuilder friends. A lot. No, you really don't even know. A LOT! And they all make great bicycles. I ran into Ira Ryan this morning after I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. We talked about how friendly-personal dynamics may be changing for him with his friends who ALSO build frames. And, I was expressing my concerns about my shop. How I get kinda jealous (not mad-jealous but, self-critical jealous, like, what do I need to do differently/what am I doing wrong?) when people I consider friends shop at other bike shops. Not just like, "buy a blinky light" shop at other shops but, "I am going to get a pair of wheels built and a new parts group for my frameset" shop at other shops.

Now understand, I will NEVER give anyone grief about spending thier money at other shops. EVER. I'm not really that stressed out about it and don't take it too personally but, as someone who really, really pays attention to who and where I spend my money (it is a conscious, political desicion for me) I get concerned when I feel like my shop is not good enough for my friends to support.

So that is the point. Sometimes I feel like I'm running my shop wrong. Maybe it is just, "you cannot please everyone all the time". One day track cranks are hot, the next day mountain bike shocks are hot. In case you were not aware, I have NO capital. That may be the biggest flaw. Not enough money to have all the cool stuff in stock that I would like to.

And, lots of the time I am destroyed from a few hours on the bike before work and act tired and pissy when I'm trying to run the shop.

I've said it before, the cycling world is intense! We deal with so many wierdos and intense personalities 24/7! It is tiring. And everyone takes everything so damn personally! Take me for example, getting all sensitive because people buy bike stuff at other shops. Y'know, if you rub a customer or friend or whatever the wrong way in the bike shop it really scars them! People will forever think you are a big jerk if you act dismissive or have a wierd mis-communication about pedals or some crap.

Sometimes you wish you worked a shit job and could be shitty to customers and spit in the food and stuff. (Don't lie, you know you have fantasised about it.) But, here we all are. Not getting rich and still getting all in a hissy fit when someone buys a tubular from the shop across town from you.

This applies to racing too.

I was just thinking about how much I love track racing yet, I am loathe to go race because of the shit I have to put up with. It is like going back to high school. You've got the too-cool for you kids, the jocks, the total wierdos who cannot communicate outside of spandex, the comic-book nerd types ("that dura ace crankset is LIMITED edition NJS stamped. Do not even breathe on it! You cannot afford it.") and the friendly but, distant folks who think you hate them when really you think they hate you.

Why the hell would I want to close early, put spandex on and hurry out to the Velodrome after an exhausting day at work just to be surrounded by people that refuse to speak to me?

Oh, cause I love it. And if I win I get $30! hehheh.

Wow, that is a lot of writing. I'm going to go get Thai food and ride my trainer in front of the second Lord of the Rings movie.

BTW, I'm going to make this year the: bikeracingissuperfunfuckyou year. If you are reading this and have ever thought about checking out the track wether racing or spectating, let me know. The more fun, kick ass people I have out there to hang out with, the funner it will be. Maybe the elitists will lighten up a little and not take themselves so seriously.

In fact, I challenge a new person to bring me a cookie every Thursday evening. If I can keep winning and then eat a bunch of cookies after every race maybe people will get it and start at least acting like they are having fun. I did my first bike race EVER in a pair of cutoff pants. (a madison with Mike Murray 5 years ago.) I had no idea what I was doing. I still don't, its amatuer racing, the sponsors don't REALLY care if you win every sprint night. It is all about positive energy.

Serious. When I bring spectators out the the track, they are so damn intimidated by all the racers and the intense, elite scene they don't want to come back! They don't have a good time. I urge you, if you are racing at all this year, say hi to people. If you've never seen them at the track, say hi and ask for thier name!

End rant.

Big shout out to Clyde and Luciano. Who needs a podium anyways? Crit champ 2005.